Endless battles...

Lost in the maze of opinions

self doubting my own self,

Trudging through the dirt

of abuses and blames,

Trying to sanctify myself

with my own tears.

Cutting through the cobwebs

of living nightmares,

With sharp blades

of determination and purpose.

The goal seems too far fetched 

without a defined path.

Fuelled with the chants

of I have to do it and 

I can do it...

How long can I maintain the zeal?

How long can I survive the war?

 

Bidding Farewell to my Dream City - Namma Bengalooru

Saying goodbye to places is not new to me. There are towns, cities even countries I have bid farewell to...always wishing I could come back but always knowing I would never return. I have survived each of the heart wrenching moment. This time however, seems to be different. This is going to be the toughest goodbye of them all. Could it be because this is my dream city or is it because this is where I started my marital life or is it because each time I get off from the train / plane and step on Bangalore's soil it always feels like homecoming or maybe it could be for the reason that this is the city of my favorite cricketer. The reason could be any but the crux is I love this place...I love the city.

It is raining outside. I can hear the pattering of the raindrops and the growling thunder. The candle flickers each time a gust of wind caresses it...yes you guessed it right...there is a power cut and today I do not have the heart to curse it because today I am enjoying the beauty of a candle lit evening. I am not upset about drying the clothes, just out of the washing machine, in my living room because today I realize that I do not have many rainy evenings left in Bangalore... I may be gone before the monsoon arrives.

As I look back to the dawn I first came to Bangalore, some eight years ago, I can still visualize my husband and me sitting in an auto-rickshaw, chilled to the bone, heading towards our hotel. With chattering teeth we were asking for direction from passerby. The warmth that we received from them showed us that we were welcome to their city.

With passing years I have experienced the weather getting warmer and the people getting colder, the traffic becoming thicker and the density of trees becoming thinner. The influx of people from every stratum of society from all over India has dimmed the beauty and serenity of this city, however, in my heart I know that my love for this city will never diminish.

As I bid adieu to the "Garden City" I wish it may regain its lost beauty so that someone else coming to this city may relieve the wonderful time I spent here...

Home

It seems a lifetime when I believed
There was a place where I belonged
A place called Home…..the place I owned

Where I could be as free as the wind
Or as authoritative as the king
Maybe as willful as the young stream
Or as colorful as a sweet dream

Where I would get up each morning
Secured to find the same wall, same floor, same ceiling
Knowing where to find my things and where to keep looking
I was sure of every step that I took
Sure of the ground on which I stood
I was familiar with all the things wherever I looked

It was my home…..a place that I owned
It was my home…..a place where I belonged

The cool breeze, when I opened the window, entered the room
The beautiful sunshine made my little kingdom bloom
As I gazed at the hill the way I did every morning
It seemed to say, “Good Morning my Sweet Little Darling”

I stepped out into the garden and walked on the soft grass
Looked at the beautiful flowers and breathed in the sweet fragrance
Spoke to the trees as I always did
Watered the plants and plucked out some weed
It felt wonderful it felt like heaven
May I stay here forever, I wished then

It was my home…..a place that I owned
It was my home…..a place where I belonged

Wishes do come true but not always
As I soon discovered with tears in my eyes…
I was severed from the roots where I had grown
I was refused the home which I had owned
It was for my future they said
Which in ruins then laid

‘Join the race and seek the world
It will be good for you to keep ahead’
With these words I was uprooted and
Taken far away from the place I loved…..
I owned...….I belonged
The place to which I was always related

The new house which no more was my home
Also had walls, floor and ceiling
But they could never evoke the same feeling

With tears in my eyes I opened the window
The cool breeze entered…alas there was no kingdom
The sunshine was not as bright or beautiful
Or was it my mood that was awful?
As I peered out I could see no hill
Without it, to live on, I had no will

I stepped out into the garden
Everything was new, everything was different
There was no known color no familiar scent

Lost and broken I sat down on a step
Oh! It was hard and cold
I looked around for something that was
Even distinctly familiar
Alas! There was none

It was a house not my home…….
My home…..a place that I owned
My home …...a place where I belonged
I lost it somewhere down the road
Lost it to some horde

Sitting down on the steps I recalled
I was sent here to get my future secured

I struggled each day to succeed
But books were not my only need
I was looking for my home…….
Looking for something known

As I studied new lessons I was awed
How beautiful was the world outside!
But something died within me deep inside

My future each day was getting more secured
And I…….more insecure

It was for my good they said …………

What was the best for me was not good enough
It brightened my future but darkened my inner self